


Saving him, who was not saved...

by orphan_account



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Canon Divergence - Post-Avengers (2012), Cluster B Personality Disorder, Forced Pregnancy, Forgiveness, Frigga is a Good Mom, Miscarriage, Odin Isn't An Asshole, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, The Avengers aka Impromptu OBGYN Squad, idk what else to say, loki gets therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:06:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25868653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After defeating Loki in the battle of New York the Avengers are met with a gruesome surprise... that changes how they view their once hated enemy.
Relationships: Loki & Avengers Team, Loki & Thor (Marvel)
Kudos: 69





	Saving him, who was not saved...

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this piece, knowing I would orphan it. Honestly, Idk how I feel about it, but maybe... somebody will find this interesting.
> 
> If you do, that's great. Please enjoy!
> 
> As a minor note, while I am quite well versed when it comes to psychology and the like, I am not a psychologist or anything of the sort!  
> Also, it's been WAY too long since I last watched any of the movies, so the plot is a bit ???... admittedly, that's not the point. ^^;
> 
> Anyways... on to the story~

Loki lay among the shattered tiles of Tony Stark’s floor, defeated. His body ached in more ways than he could tell, and yet a relieved smile graced his dry, chapped lips.

He laid there for a good while, unable to move. By the time he managed to push himself to his elbows, dragging his lamed body away from the jagged tiles, he had been surrounded already.

He lowered his head in defeat and forced a bitter smile.

“If it’s all the same to you, I’ll have that drink now,” he said, careful to hide the tightness in his voice.

Thor stepped forward, unafraid of his brother, “You are in no position to jest, Loki,” he spat and picked the younger god up by the elbow. Loki let out a pathetic wail as he was forced to his feet and almost immediately slumped against Thor. He had not caught his breath yet when Seidr-suppressing handcuffs were put on him, and he gasped.

“Wait... wait, brother... I beg... for one thing... one mercy, just one... please...” he pleaded. Thor glared at him. “What mercy did you offer to demand any for yourself now?”

“None... I accept my fate... only...” Loki interrupted himself to groan, hanging his head as he struggled to stay on his feet, “I only... wish to undo a spell.”

Thor didn’t look convinced and he met the eyes of his comrades, who had watched the Aesir interact with varying degrees of judgement.

“What spell?” Thor demanded.

“A glamour. To hide... my... the state... of my... body...”

Thor looked at Loki, taking in his form, trying to guess what Loki might be hiding, but couldn’t really find anything out of place.

Sensing his brother’s reluctance, Loki seemed to despair. “Just one hand! Please! I ask for no more, please!”

Surprisingly it was Steve who spoke up in response. “Everyone, grab a hold,” he said and put his hand over Loki’s arm. Tony settled behind the trickster, both hands on his shoulders and Natasha stood in front of him, blocking his path. Loki couldn’t move.

“One hand, brother. No more, and the moment your spell is lifted, I cuff you again,” Thor insisted.

“Yes. Yes! Please!” Loki begged with increasing need.

At last Thor undid one manacle and wrapped his fingers around Loki’s wrist, keeping him from moving his hand, but Loki needed no more than that. He closed his eyes and with a curl of his fingers he lifted the spell that had concealed the truth from everyone’s eyes.

The Avengers stared as a green sheen traveled over Loki’s body, revealing a pool of blood beneath his feet and a swell where his previously flat stomach had been. As soon as the spell was completely lifted Loki all but collapsed, gasping for air.

Steve, Tony and Nat who had been guarding his movements all surged closer, eves wide in confusion.

“What is the meaning of this?!” Steve asked immediately. Loki turned his head to the man. “You would not understand,” he hissed through grit teeth, and despite his best attempts to sound venomous the pain in his voice was impossible to miss.

Thor seemed to understand something, and he bent over, laying Loki down upon the floor, “Who did this to you?!” he asked and to the infinite surprise of his teammates his voice sounded almost tender.

Loki forced a laugh. “What do you mean?” he asked and folded his hands over his rounded stomach, “This? That would be the Beast’s doing, for which I have to thank him,” he said and gestured the blood that was still oozing from his body.

The Hulk made a confused grunting noise.

Tony shook his head. “Will either one of you explain what exactly is going on?” he demanded, and Thor looked up to him now.

“My brother... I believe... is suffering a miscarriage.”

Clint finally lowered his bow. “That is impossible,” he said, his voice contemptuous and almost hateful.

“I assure you it is not,” Thor insisted. Besides him Loki groaned. “With... all due... respect... I... Aghghh...!” He writhed, his hands now clutching at the robe covering his stomach.

Thor steeled himself. “I will explain later, right now I will need a healer,” he said and without waiting for anyone’s responses he started undressing Loki, taking off his boots, pushing his coat and robes out of the way to reach the belt of his trousers and lastly pulling them off of Loki’s pale, trembling legs.

Natasha was the first one to move, as she gently moved over to persuade the Hulk to transform back into Bruce. While Bruce was by no means a medical expert, he was probably the least ill-equipped person in this room.

Tony, realizing that this was happening now, an insane god was going to deliver a... who-knows-what on the floor of his bar room, called for Jarvis.

“Jarvis, contact Shield. We need an OBGYN here, ASAP.”

Loki no longer paid attention to the mortals that had defeated him, he was in so much pain at this point, all he could focus on was to make it stop.

He clutched at his clothes, whimpering as he struggled not to scream. Thor watched with increasing concern as more blood gushed from between Loki’s legs. “What should I do?” he asked helplessly.

Clint frowned. While he had the least interest in helping Loki, he probably should at least help Thor. That’s what he told himself. There was no point anyways, but at least his team-mate wouldn’t have to feel so awful...

“Check his dilation,” he said monotonously.

Thor looked at him. “His what?”

They were cut off by a scream, as Loki’s writhing got more desperate, his legs jerking as he struggled.

Thor tried to hold him down, afraid he’d injure himself more.

At long last Bruce had found himself back in his own body and consciousness. “What is the matter?” he asked, trying to make sense of the situation. “Our bad guy is losing a baby,” Nat summarized, dragging Bruce back to the others with no further explanation.

Bruce blinked in disbelief. “What now...?”

“My brother is having a miscarriage. He has lost so much blood and... he needs help,” Thor explained, shifting so Bruce could take his place between Loki’s legs.

“I’m not a doctor... not that kind of doctor at the very least,” Bruce insisted, though he did take Thor’s place between Loki’s legs. “It matters not, he needs any help he can get,” Thor insisted.

Bruce briefly looked around, but he saw that asking for sterile gloves would be pointless now anyways. He reached between Loki’s thighs and felt for an opening.

He found it and pushed two fingers inside, making the young god wail. Thor, after all that had happened wasn’t able to push away the love he held for his brother, and leaned over him. “Shhh, brother... you will be okay,” he assured and cradled his nape as he had done so often.

Loki sobbed.

Bruce cleared his throat, “I believe he is dilated, but I can’t really tell how far, but if I’m right, we will need to act quickly,” he said, “This amount of blood indicates a hemorrhage, something that can cause death very fast. I think he needs to deliver whatever he is carrying as fast as possible.”

Thor looked up, alarmed. “Death...?” he repeated. He looked down at Loki, who was smiling faintly.

“It takes... more than... a little blood loss... to kill me...” he whispered through clenched teeth.

Nobody really knew how to handle the situation. With the city in ruins it would likely take a while for a proper doctor to arrive, so they had to do this alone.

Natasha took a deep breath and knelt on Loki’s other side. “Thor, sit up and hold him against yourself. He should be upright. Steve, Tony, you come here and help brace his legs,” she commanded with such authority that none of them dared to disobey.

Thor sat down with Loki in his lap, holding onto both of his hands, while Steve settled on his right and Tony his left, each grabbing hold of Loki’s legs as Natasha directed.

“How much more until he can push?” Nat asked Bruce. Bruce shrugged, “He is not at full term, I think, so I’m not sure. If he were at full term and carrying a human baby, he’d need to be at 10 centimeters, but like this, I have no idea,” he said.

Tony sighed and looked at Clint, who was glad that he wasn’t actively involved in this whole situation. “Doesn’t the mother have to relax for the cervix to open?” he asked, having noticed the man’s initial comment. Maybe he had some experience that could be helpful.

Clint exhaled. “Yeah. The tenser and more anxious she is, the longer it takes,” he said.

Having gotten the confirmation he needed Tony turned back to Thor. “You know him well, right? You can help him relax, right?” he asked. He was casually ignoring that he almost sounded like he cared for the god’s safety or comfort.

Thor bit his lip, but leaned in closer anyways, nudging his temple against Loki’s.

“You need to relax, brother. I know it hurts... and I wish I could ease your pain,” he told him, willing himself to believe his own words. He felt betrayed and wronged, but even so he had spent centuries caring about his brother, he couldn’t stop now, could he?

Loki met his eyes, tears running down his cheeks, “You don’t need to lie... to make me feel better,” he whimpered. By now the blood loss was starting to make him tired and dizzy.

“I am not lying! Do you remember what you told me... on the day of my coronation?” Thor asked, stroking Loki’s cheek. Loki didn’t say anything.

“Never doubt that I love you,” Thor said, repeating Loki’s words back at him.

Even more tears welled in Loki’s eyes, and he wailed, twisting in his brother’s arms.

Bruce checked his dilation again. “Oh... oh! I can feel the head now. I think if he starts pushing now, he’ll make it,” he said.

Thor gasped in relief, “Did you hear that, brother? You need to push now,” he told Loki. “I am here, hold my hands, alright?” he assured, seeing his brother’s eyes widen in fear.

Natasha nodded. “They’ve got you. Now push, bear down. Don’t forget to breathe,” she told him.

Tony and Steve braced themselves to push back against Loki’s legs as the god started to push.

Loki’s screams were hard to listen to, his voice breaking as he struggled. He gasped after each push, panting as he tried to gather what little strength he had left to push again.

“He’s doing good, I can feel the head coming down, push again!” Bruce said, his fingers guiding the infant’s head down its mother’s birth canal.

Thor swallowed hard, biting back his own tears as he felt his brother arching his back against him. He knew how strong his brother was. He was nowhere near as strong as him, but not weak by any means.

Feeling him now, weakened to such an extent, made Thor’s heart hurt.

Whatever had happened to his brother... it wasn’t good.

“Come on,” he said softly, “you can do it, I believe in you,” he told him, “I’m right here, you’ll be okay. Come on, Loki!”

“I can’t...” Loki sobbed. “No more...” his voice was so brittle, all semblance of divine power gone.

“Yes you can, Loki. Yes you can. Please! Think of mother. She would be heartbroken if you gave up now. She can’t wait to see you again. Don’t you want to see her again?” Thor asked, grasping at straws to give his brother anything to comfort him.

Tony and Steve watched the brothers’ interaction. While this entire situation was so far beyond anything they were trained to deal with, they couldn’t deny the humanity of these two gods.

Steve couldn’t help but pity his former enemy.

“Another push and we’ll have the head,” Bruce announced. He watched as more and more of the bloodied head emerged, his hands ready to catch and support it.

Loki bore down once more, pushing with all his strength. Bruce caught the baby’s head as another gush of fluids broke loose, more blood and amnion.

“Okay,” he said, “I can try to pull the rest out now.”

Seeing as Loki was beyond words now, Thor responded in his place. “Yes, be gentle...” he said. Loki’s head rolled back against Thor’s shoulder, his mouth open in a silent scream.

Thor tried to soothe him as he felt his body tense in his arms while Bruce carefully slid his hand into him, grasping the baby’s body and pulling it out with the next contraction.

The baby was a blueish purple color, its proportions strange, and its skin covered with ridges and markings. This was not a human baby.

But even so, it was clear that it was not alive. Amnion dripped from its limp mouth, its blood-smeared face was crumpled up, eyes closed.

The moment it had been pulled out of him, Loki collapsed against Thor. Tony and Steve sat back, releasing his legs as they were no longer needed now. Yet they sat where they were, trying to process what they had just witnessed.

Not sure what to do with the stillborn infant Bruce placed it on top of Loki’s body as one does with newborn babies.

That seemed to startle Loki back to awareness, and he looked down at the curled up body on his stomach. It was still connected to him through the umbilical cord.

He stared, wide eyed; in shock. He reached out with trembling hands and cradled the tiny body, bringing it up to his chest to look at it closer.

Thor grit his teeth. That was his brother’s child...? This... thing...? He had seen newborn children, they didn’t look like this.

Loki trembled, his fingers slowly wrapping around the child’s neck. “This... serves you... right... monster...!” he growled.

Thor reached out again, catching Loki’s hands and pulling them away from the stillborn infant. “Don’t, Loki. Don’t. It is over,” he whispered. He looked at Bruce and indicated with a look that he should remove the body from Loki’s chest. Bruce did so, placing the infant on the ground.

Tony got up with a sigh and went to bring a dish towel. “Here. Wrap it up. Nobody needs to see this,” he said and handed the towel to Bruce.

Soon Loki started to whimper again, weakly bearing down to push out the afterbirth. Tony and Steve averted their eyes, not wanting to see the bloody mush. Bruce wrapped everything up in the towel. “Somebody go burn this,” he said and sat back.

Thor swallowed hard. “What of my brother? Is he saved?” he asked tensely.

Bruce shrugged. “He has lost a lot of blood. I am not sure if he’ll survive that, but he is not losing any more, I think. Still, he needs a proper doctor.”

In the end Loki is taken into custody of Shield. They don’t deny him medical attention which he clearly needs, but he remains cuffed to the bed under constant supervision.

The Avengers still struggle to make sense of the thing they witnessed that day. While Thor did explain how his brother was able to conceive and carry a child in the first place - him being a Jotun, their race being single-sexed, meaning that every Jotun could both sire and bear offspring - it did nothing to explain why Loki had gotten pregnant or why he seemed to be grateful for the loss of his child.

Once Loki is deemed fit to at least answer some questions Nick Fury, Thor and Tony come to his room.

Thor hates to see his brother like this, a husk of himself. His skin barely darker than the sheet he’s laid out on, his hair a tangled mess, his eyes empty.

He makes no attempt to hide his feelings as he approaches his brother’s bed.

“May I remind you that this man is a criminal?” Fury points out, raising an eyebrow at Thor.

“May I remind you that this man is my brother?” Thor asks in return, taking Loki’s clammy hand into his own.

“Not that I don’t get you,” Tony interjects, “but him being your brother and us having... witnessed... whatever it was we witnessed there doesn’t undo all the shit he’s pulled up until then.”

Thor glares. “I never said that,” he growls.

Fury sighs. “Brother or not, I demand answers. Loki... of Asgard.” He looks at the god. “You are accused of killing hundreds of people, causing the destruction of large parts of New York, and threatening to subjugate the human race...” he reads out from his tablet.

“What is your defense?”

Loki sighs, staring at the ceiling. “I have none,” he admits.

Sure, he has gone through trauma that will forever haunt him, but who wants to hear that anyways. He is at fault, he won’t deny that.

If they deem him guilty, maybe they will see to it that his suffering finds an end...

Thor felt otherwise.

“I still demand answers from you, Loki,” he said, leaning over the bed so Loki would not avoid his eyes.

And Loki didn’t. He met his brother’s eyes, though he seemed to look through him. Far into some unseen distance.

“What happened? Who did this to you?” Thor asked, softer now as his hand moved to Loki’s stomach, hovering above the fading swell, not daring to touch.

Loki laughed and winced immediately.

“Who did this to me... who indeed...” he whispered, closing his eyes. “Thanos did this to me.”

None of the men in the room knew this name, and Thor demanded to know more. So Loki told him everything.

How he was lost in the void, how he was found at the brink of death by Thanos and his minions. How Thanos saved him, only to enslave him.

How Thanos saw through him, reading his feelings and trauma and telling him what he wanted to hear.

How he offered to give him something else.

A home, a place where he would belong... a family. He told Loki to stop seeking answers and comfort from his past, to abandon his roots as these roots have caused him nothing but pain.

He told Loki to embrace the future.

To embrace the path Thanos was offering him.

A family. A future.

A rightful place, rightful power.

A purpose. A goal to live for.

And it was all lies.

By the end of his tale, Loki was weeping.

Tony stands back, eyes wide. The things he had seen when he went to space... those things... whatever was out there had reduced a god to the state of ... this. He looks at Loki.

He has one arm thrown over his eyes, hiding from his brother’s watchful gaze as he cries.

Fury frowns and calls in the doctor who had taken care of Loki. Dr Jones came in, handing Fury the report she had made.

“What of the child he carried?” he asks, going through the pages. Dr Jones clears her throat.

“Hard to tell. I couldn’t identify what species it even was. Likely a mix too,” she says.

Fury nods. “And this?” he gestures at a passage in the report. Dr Jones frowns but nods. “Indications that suggest... repeated, careless or violent penetration,” she summarizes. Fury looks at her. “How sure are you that it was that and not the... delivery that caused these injuries?”

“Very. The tissue in question is very stretchy, if given enough time, as is the case with birth. Tearing occurs when the tissue is not given enough time to accommodate.” Dr Jones looks to be very unhappy, explaining her findings.

Fury mirrors her sentiments.

“So... rape.”

All this time Thor had listened in horror. He clutched Loki’s hand with both of his, and even though Loki wanted to withdraw it, he didn’t have the heart to do so.

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” Thor whispers, turning his attention on Loki. “Why? I would have ... we could have... you wouldn’t have had to...” he mutters.

Loki shakes his head. “I couldn’t,” he whispers. “He... the Other... was watching me. He would have told Thanos... and now that I have failed... he knows either way.”

Thor swallows hard and looks to the others. “Surely you will not dismiss these findings in favor of an easy conviction,” he warns.

Fury sighs and meets Thor’s eyes. “An easy conviction is out of the question, for sure,” he says and crosses his arms. “If I understand correctly Loki is a criminal, but also a refugee from this Thanos-person.”

Tony now steps in. “Sure, but ... considering what I have seen, and considering what Loki has told us... if Thanos knows he is on earth... all of earth is in danger.”

Thor rises to his feet. “Would you rather we abandon Loki, after all he suffered?” he asks, exasperated.

“Thor,” Loki calls softly. “Thanos... wants the Tesseract. As long as it remains on earth... it is not safe,” he whispers.

“Then I will take the Tesseract and put it somewhere it is safe,” Thor assures, but Loki shakes his head. “Nowhere... is safe. Not from Thanos.”

Fury shakes his head. “At this point... I think I’d feel better if we kept everything here, where we can see it. If danger approaches, we can still find a way to hide the Tesseract, but if it’s out of our reach, we cannot control it,” he decides. “That includes him,” he adds and points at Loki. “He will stay here until he’s recovered, and after that we’ll see.”

Thor wants to protest, but stops himself. “Then I will stay here as well. I will not let my brother out of my sight again,” he decides, taking Loki’s hand back into his own.

Fury shoots Thor a look but doesn’t argue. “Stark, I expect you to investigate this whole thing,” he says and turns to leave.

Tony, Thor and Dr Jones stay where they are, watching him go.

At last Dr Jones approaches the bed, standing next to Thor. He looks at her. “How long... until he recovers? Will he ever fully recover?” he asks.

She looks at him, “Physically... I believe so. He will bear scars, but... his body will recover. What I worry about more... is his psyche.”

Thor shifts a little and raises an eyebrow.

Dr Jones sighs. “Considering what happened to him, I think you should look into finding a therapist for him. At the very least to cope with the trauma and to prevent PTSD,” she explains.

Thor looks a bit unsure. “I believe I am not familiar with these. I may know them under different terms from Asgard,” he explains when Dr Jones doesn’t speak further.

“Oh... I mean... a psychologist or psychiatrist, depending on what kind of therapy he needs. A doctor of the mind,” she explains.

Thor’s eyes widen. “Are you trying to imply... that my brother is-” She interrupts him. “I am not implying anything. I am saying that he should have somebody who knows what they’re doing help him learn to cope with what happened to him.”

Tony nods. “That’s actually a good idea... whatever happened that day... I think we all need some counseling to deal with that. I keep thinking I see blood stains all over my floor...”

At first Loki refused to talk to the therapist. What in the world would she understand of his life? Half the words he’d use would be gibberish to her! And what business does a mortal civilian have knowing about the woes of a noble god?

But when Thor insisted, even going with his brother, Loki found himself unable to keep quiet.

Thor had enough of a bond with Loki to get the withdrawn god to open up, and with the help of the therapist they were able to get to the core of Loki’s trauma, though he does not speak of Thanos and the Other...

“I always... had to fight,” he admits. Him and Thor sit back to back on the therapist’s couch, as Loki insisted. He doesn’t like letting Thor see him cry. “I was never good enough. I didn’t want to believe it, I always told myself it truly was my fault. I wasn’t strong enough, not brave enough, not... tall and big enough... not blond enough, who knows... something, there must have been something intrinsically wrong with me,” he says through grit teeth. “Mother was the only one who seemed to love me the same as Thor, but she is only one woman... one person against everybody else who kept acting like I was some kind of pest...”

It was never easy for Thor to listen to Loki speak like this, but he understood he had no right to deny Loki’s feelings, even if they were unfounded in his mind.

“I just... I wanted attention. I wanted to be seen. In any way, shape or form I could be seen. If I had to turn my father’s ravens into rats to make him look my way, I’d do it. If I had to stab my brother for him to acknowledge me as more than his spare, I’d do it.”

The therapist, Mrs Crowe looks at him. “Did you not try to stand out in a positive way?” she asks. Loki groans. “Of course... I was on par with Thor and his friends despite being younger and weaker than them, but did it matter? No, because I had to cheat to get there, use tricks, witchcraft... deception to tip the scale in my favor,” he hisses. “What was I supposed to do? What did it matter that I knew more about the realm than all of them combined, that I knew spells they didn’t even realize existed... what did it matter that I... that I tried... so hard...” he slumps, dropping his face into his hands. “I wasn’t playing by the rules, therefore my victories were worthless.”

Thor tenses. He so desperately wants to disagree, but he had learned not to speak up unless the therapist asked for his input.

“What about other fields of expertise? Couldn’t you have made a name and place for yourself as something other than a fighter?” Mrs Crowe asks softly.

“Forfeit the battle? Accept defeat and let the entire realm know that I was no match for my perfect, golden brother?” Loki gasps, insulted.

Mrs Crowe hums and writes something in her notes.

“What do you think about this, Thor?” she wonders, noticing how the blond was shaking his head.

“I was not perfect. I was... I was far from perfection. I still am. I am... still learning how to do the right thing for my people and those who trust me-” Loki cuts him off, sitting on his knees as he grabs Thor’s shoulders to turn him towards himself.

“Yes you were. Yes you are! You are so pure and good, you only ever have the best intentions, whatever it is you do. Even when you are misguided or rash, you still know which side you are on. I am not that! I will NEVER be!” he yells. “I forfeit the right to be worthy when I lied for the first time!”

Thor grabs Loki by the arms, trying to settle him down. While his body has recovered from the grievous injuries he’d suffered, he is still far from healthy and strong.

“But why did you lie? Why did you not tell the truth?”

“Did it ever occur to you that I might not have had that choice?!” Loki snaps. “Do you remember the first time you struck me down when we fought? You struck my shoulder with your wooden sword and when I sank to the ground, you held me down with one hand!”

Thor looks very uncomfortable.

“Father asked afterwards if I was fine. And I said yes, even though you had nearly broken my collar bone!”

“But why did you not tell him so? He would have had you sent to the healers and-” Loki cuts him off again.

“BECAUSE I FELT WEAK!”

Mrs Crowe’s office is silent, save for Loki’s agitated panting.

Thor swallows his tears and cradles Loki’s nape.

“Weakness does not make you unworthy.” He says.

Mrs Crowe watches the siblings carefully. She senses they are about to reach a break-through.

“Maybe not in your eyes. Not anymore.” Loki whispers. “But father...”

“Leave our father behind. I... I can see how you feel about him, and while I... I don’t want to think that he was wrong in how he acted... I can see why you feel the way you do,” Thor admits. It is a difficult thing to say for him, who has looked up to his father for all his life.

“Don’t say that, Thor. Don’t say that. I beg you...”

Thor leans in, trying to see Loki’s eyes as he bows his head in sorrow.

“It is what  _ he _ said to me... when he seduced me to his... his plans,” Loki whispers. “To leave my past behind... to forget my family... to remember how they wronged me... and to forgive myself for hating them...”

“Loki...?”

Upon hearing his name Loki sits up and turns his venomous eyes upon his brother.

“I hate you!” he spits. “I hate you, I hate all that you are, all that you have done!”

“Stop!” Mrs Crowe interjects.

Both Loki and Thor turn their eyes on her.

“Thor, sit back, turn around again. Loki, look at me. What are you feeling?”

“I feel hatred! I feel so... desperately hateful... I... I just...” he breaks into a wail, tearing at his own hair as he doubles over.

“Why desperate?” Mrs Crowe wonders.

“Because... because...” Loki breaks off, sobbing now. Despite what Mrs Crowe told him, Thor can’t help but turn back, wrapping his arms around Loki.

“I’m sorry...” he mutters, but Loki screams into his hands.

“NO! Stop... doing this, stop  _ caring! _ What  _ more _ do I have to do for you to  _ abandon _ me?! HATE me! Loathe me the same way I do you? What more can I  _ do to you? _ When will you  _ see _ that your father was right?! That I  _ am _ beyond saving?” he roars, pushing Thor back, pressing his knee into Thor’s thigh, hands tearing at the collar of his shirt.

“I should have DIED in the void! You should have  _ killed _ me instead of breaking the bridge!” he sobs, all his hatred gone as he slumps on top of Thor, weeping.

“Why do you want me to hate you, Loki?” Thor breathes, staring past Loki at the ceiling.

Loki doesn’t answer, his words come out garbled, and he gives up trying to explain himself. Eventually he sits up, looking down at Thor.

“Because it wouldn’t hurt as much.”

“What hurts you, brother?” Thor asks, barely daring to voice his words at all.

“Failing you. Failing you hurts me. Failing mother and even father hurts me.”

“So you would rather be hated than have anyone place their faith in you anymore... because you fear to disappoint them,” Mrs Crowe realizes.

Loki stares off into the distance, tears running down his cheeks. “Yes,” he breathes. “I don’t remember when I started hoarding insults... holding onto them like badges of honor... but at some point they brought me more comfort than praise ever could...”

“Because it enforced your worldview. A view in which you don’t have to prove yourself, because nobody expects you to do great anyway,” Mrs Crowe explains sadly. “And yet every time you saw that they still cared, it hurt you more. You were torn between driving them further away, and holding them close and proving yourself.”

“But why do you hate me?” Thor asks when Loki doesn’t say any more.

“Because you were all that I wanted to be. You had all that I wanted to have. Strength, power, approval... friends of your own...” Loki lists, slowly moving away again to sit on his side of the couch, as far from Thor as possible.

Thor sits up, now that Loki moved away. “Friends of your own?” he repeats in confusion. “The Warriors Three and Lady Sif are  _ our _ friends, yours and mine,” he points out, but Loki scoffs.

“As if. Norns, you are blind...” he mutters, shaking his head with a sneer. “They suffered my presence, because no matter how awful I was, I was your brother, and you dragged me wherever you went under the guise of brotherhood.”

“My feelings for you are genuine! They always were!” Thor insists.

“Maybe.  _ I know. _ It does not matter!” Loki hisses, “You were obligated to like me, because I was your brother. By the Norns, don’t try to tell me you’d care about me at all if I weren’t your brother!”

Thor falls silent, mulling over Loki’s words. He nods to himself.

“True. I... would not have thought to befriend a person like you, if I had not been raised by your side... but I would be even worse if not for you. I am grateful to be your brother,” he finally says, looking at Loki’s narrow back.

A sharp smile flits across Loki’s lips.

“But you are not. My brother.”

Thor’s eyes widen with hurt. “But-”

“YOU. ARE. NOT!” Loki glowers at Thor, swallowing as he watches his reaction. “Stop LYING to yourself and me! I am a disgusting, monstrous, ergi, disappointment of a Jotun, a runt. I let myself be tainted and broken, because I was too weak and pathetic to fight back! ALL my life!”

“Stop! Loki, you need to sit back and calm yourself!” Mrs Crowe insists. This is why she was against having Thor in the room. There was obviously a lot of history between him and Loki... but as much as it was an advantage to get into the young god, it was also ripe fodder for escalations such as this.

Ultimately Mrs Crowe ended the session once Loki was somewhat calm and sent him back to his room to rest.

He asked Thor to stay behind, not wanting these revelations to fester and cause him to develop more hurt towards his brother. It was bad enough that Loki felt this way.

“Did you know he felt this way about himself?” she asks him after a while.

Thor looks at her and shakes his head.

“I had no idea. He was always so... confident, cocky almost, haughty and vicious,” he murmurs. “I always knew he was sensitive, but never like this. I never realized he’d take all those friendly jabs as honest insults.”

“What kind of jabs?” Mrs Crowe asks, flipping through her notes again.

“Fandral sometimes jokingly praised Loki’s grace and elegance. Sif would sometimes point out how she was able to take on me or Hogun without using trickery... in general, they... and me... called him a witch for his use of Seidr... which is not witchcraft, I should add. I assure you it was all said in good fun... I never thought it’d hurt him so,” Thor tells her, though he seems like he isn’t really there. He misses his friends, feeling like they would make this easier to bear... but he also realizes that they would be no help in this matter.

“When one’s worldview is warped in such a way as his, it is easy to misunderstand what is a friendly joke and what is an insult...” Mrs Crowe murmurs in agreement.

“What does that mean then?” Thor asks, helplessly throwing his hands up.

“I believe... your brother has a personality disorder. I cannot say for sure which specific disorder fits him best, as he’d need to open up more about his internal feelings, but so far... I am fairly certain that PDNOS works as a diagnosis for now,” she explains. Upon seeing Thor’s confused look she elaborates, “A personality disorder is generally understood to be a set of thoughts and behaviors that a person learns to use as a means to cope with their circumstances. Your brother for instance has learned to cope with his feelings of inadequacy, by rejecting the people around him, so that their disappointment would no longer hurt him so. He has also internalized, what he believes to be your father’s opinion of him, and uses it as a means to understand his position among his peers.”

Thor nods slowly. “Right. And... what is this PD... abbreviation?”

“PDNOS. Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified,” Mrs Crowe explains.

With that knowledge she lets Thor go back.

Thor feels that he shouldn’t seek out his brother, let him be and not aggravate him again... but he needs to speak with him.

So he goes to Loki’s room and knocks on the door.

“It’s me, brother,” he calls softly.

“Leave me alone.”

“Loki, I need to apologize to you,” Thor tries again.

“No you don’t. What’s done is done, and your apology will only make you feel better about yourself!”

"Alright," Thor says quickly, "Then I will not apologize, but please allow me to clear some things up. You don't have to believe me, I just... want to have told you, so you at least have the chance to believe me," he explains and waits for a reply. None comes for a while, and he starts to wonder if he should just give up and let Loki be after all, when the younger finally speaks.

"I know you... have always seen things different from me. I don't know if I want to know how exactly though."

"Loki..." Thor sighs and rests his hand against the door. "May I come in?" he asks.

"I am your prisoner. Yours and your mortal friends'. You can come in whenever you want, you can beat me up for all I care..."

Thor opens the door and steps inside, shooting Loki a disapproving look. "Why must you say things like this?" he wonders and after a moment of silence passes between them he steps towards Loki, where he's laid out on his bed.

Loki looks up at him with a blank expression.

"So?" he demands. "What is it that you want to tell me, if I have no choice but to listen to you?"

Thor sighs. "You have a choice, Loki," he points out. He sits on the edge of Loki's bed. "I never realized how much my friends and I hurt you, when we thought we were merely joking," he started as Loki looked at him with expectant eyes.

"Yes. Forgive my tender soul for being weak and brittle..." he hisses but Thor interrupts him. "No. No... We were wrong. We should have realized that we are hurting you," he assures.

"Oh Norns, please spare me your pity..." Loki groans. Thor leans in. "It is not pity!" he says, his face only a few centimeters away from Loki's. "It is not pity, brother." he repeats, staring into Loki's eyes, waiting for the expression of disbelief and contempt to shift into understanding.

But it doesn't.

"Loki... look... the same way that my mortal friends and I cannot ignore what you have done, I understand that you cannot ignore what has been done to you. I want to acknowledge that your actions were driven - in great part - by circumstances beyond your control. Likewise I ask that you accept that my friends and I were ignorant of your feelings. It does not undo what we did, but I hope you don't think of us as meaning you any harm," Thor explains, sitting back. He is still watching Loki's expression with care and almost... tenderness.

Loki sneers but hidden deep in the darkness of his eyes there is a spark of understanding.

"It does not matter what your intention was. Nor does it matter what was mine," he says after a while, his voice sounding almost defeated. Thor reaches out and cradles Loki's nape, and to his surprise the raven allows it.

"It does matter, Loki. It does matter," Thor insists. "It should have mattered all this time."

Mrs Crowe ultimately diagnoses Loki with some kind of Cluster B personality disorder, saying that she couldn’t quite pick apart which specific disorder his behavior aligned with best. But it is a start, helping to understand what is wrong with Loki.

Given this knowledge Loki is put into a cognitive behavioral therapy program, to help him regulate his often intense and erratic moods.

He is also brought into the care of a therapist who specializes in trauma recovery. He decides to perform cognitive processing therapy on Loki, though more drawn out as the usual duration would hardly be enough to pick apart all the things Loki had gone through.

During his treatment Loki is transferred to the now repaired Avengers tower, where he is guarded by them at all times. He rarely seeks out anyone’s presence, mostly hiding away in the room he was assigned though. The only exception to this rule is Thor.

A surprisingly genuine dynamic has started to unfold between the two brothers, where Loki seeks out the blond god to discuss parts of his therapy sessions with him. While he of course rarely goes into the depths of his feelings, it seems to give him comfort to have somebody to help him understand his own thoughts and feelings.

Still there is a distance between Loki and the others. In the few situations that he can’t evade their presence, he avoids their eyes and withdraws as soon as possible to the comfort and solitude of his own room.

The thing that gets him to open up is the most unlikely surprise: His mother’s arrival.

Frigga arrives, once the Bifrost is repaired, in full regalia with a handmaiden and two guards. It has been millenia since she last showed herself among mortals, and it is a bit of an adjustment, but she barely shows it.

Tony, who was informed of her arrival by Jarvis stands atop his tower, staring wide eyed at the goddess before him.

“I believe you are a friend of my son, Thor?” she says softly, when he doesn’t introduce himself.

Startled Tony bows and sputters, “Yes. I am… Tony Stark, your… majesty!”

Frigga chuckles softly. “From what my son has told me, I would have thought the Man of Iron would be less nervous,” she says and gestures for Tony to rise.

“My other son is here too, is he not?”

Tony blinks. “Uh, you mean Loki,” he says. Frigga nods.

“Yeah, he is here. I can try to call him, but I make no promises that he’ll listen to me… he only really talks to Thor…” he murmurs, starting to walk inside. “Come in, take a seat. I’ll get him…”

“Just tell him that I am here,” Frigga says and after a moment of hesitation she takes a seat upon the couch Tony offered her.

How strange is it… to have a goddess sitting on his couch? Tony tries to tell himself not to think too deeply about it. He witnessed a god birthing a… nope, don’t remember that Tony, you don’t need to remember that... 

Still… how does one adjust to having gods walking along one’s humble home? Okay, the Avengers tower is hardly a humble home, but still… he can’t begin to imagine what sort of lives these gods are used to…

As he arrives at Loki’s door he knocks. “Reindeer games, it’s your mother dearest!” he chants, trying to sound more confident and humorous than he feels.

Loki gives no response.

Tony knocks again.

Thor comes by, smiling widely.

“Has she arrived?” he asks and Tony doesn’t need to ask who he means. He merely nods.

“Splendid!” Thor cheers and knocks on Loki’s door. “Brother! Come out!” he calls. Unlike Tony he gets a response.

“What do you want?”

“I want nothing, but I think you might want to say hello to our mother,” Thor suggests.

The door opens and Loki glowers at him. “Are you trying to make a joke?” he asks tensely.

Thor shakes his head. “No, I am being genuine. Come,” he says and grabs Loki’s wrist, pulling him from his room.

Tony leads the two back to where he left Frigga. She is now surrounded by the others too. It’s not exactly easy to hide the arrival of a goddess from them.

They stand at a respectful distance, not quite daring to approach her when Tony and the Odinsons arrive.

Frigga’s face lights up the moment she sees her sons and she rises to her feet, arms open. “Thor! Loki!” she calls and it’s like she cast a charm. All the tension and hesitation melts from Loki and he rushes towards her, falling into her arms like a lost child.

She catches him and holds him close, rubbing his back, running her fingers through his hair as she shushes him.

“Oh Loki… my dear… I am so glad…!” she whispers into his hair, pressing kisses to his face as she looks at him.

Thor watches them, smiling. “Welcome to Midgard, mother,” he says softly and approaches as Frigga reaches for him, keeping her other arm firmly around Loki’s waist.

“Thor, I’m glad you are doing well here,” she tells him and kisses his forehead as well, pulling him down a little to reach it.

At last Clint speaks up, “Uhm… what exactly is going on here?” he asks. Tony shrugs, “A family reunion, I’d say,” he suggests.

Thor then turns to face his friends.

“This is my and Loki’s mother, Frigga,” he states simply. “Mother, these are my friends. I told you about them.”

A nervous murmur goes through the group. Thor has told his mother about them… 

Frigga smiles.

“Please, be at ease. I am here to check on my sons, but also to thank you. Thor has told me a lot about you, and how you helped him and Loki after what happened,” she says, her eyes going to the spot where Loki had delivered his stillborn child, eerily seeming to know of it somehow.

Tony steps forward. “It wasn’t exactly our choice, but I guess… we’re glad we did the right thing, looking back on it,” he says and looks at the others.

Steve looks conflicted, Bruce looks almost frightened, while Natasha and Clint try to look somewhat indifferent.

Frigga doesn’t seem to mind, as she turns her attention back to her sons.

“Loki, I have spoken to your father,” she tells him, no doubt noticing how he freezes up at the mere mention of Odin. “He is willing to let you come back, if you show that you have learned from your mistakes. Of course he will never again consider you fit to rule, but in due time, if you behave yourself well, you may be able to stand alongside your brother as an advisor to him.”

Loki lowers his head.

Thor averts his eyes. After all this time, after all that has happened, he can no longer see himself taking over the throne.

“Mother,” Loki starts and briefly looks up at her, then at Thor, then back down. “I… don’t think I should return yet,” he finally says. “I still have many therapy sessions in front of me… and … I think I am at last learning something that… I have been missing for a long time.”

The feeling of disbelief is almost tangible in the air.

Even Thor would have thought that Loki would seek to return home with their mother the moment the offer was given to him. He never realized how Loki truly felt about the therapy sessions he once so vehemently protested against.

Frigga looks a little bit hurt.

“Is that so?” she asks and cradles Loki’s cheek in her hand. He nods. “I am finally… not hurting as much… anymore,” he tells her. A single tear runs down his cheek.

Thor breathes a sigh of relief, letting out a breath he never realized he had been holding for decades.

“Mother,” he says and puts his hands on her and Loki’s shoulders, “Loki and I will return to Asgard in due time. But that time is not yet here,” he tells her.

Frigga looks up at Thor, her eyes tender.

“You have grown,” she says and turns her eyes to Loki, “Both of you. I am so glad. I am so proud of you both.”

When it is time for Frigga to leave, Loki is reluctant to let her go. He almost goes back on his earlier decision, tempted to ask her to take him back home, but he stops himself.

She disappears in the kaleidoscopic light of the Bifrost as Thor, Loki and the Avengers watch.

Tony is the first to recover his speech.

“So,” he starts, “that was… your mother.” He says it with reverence that is rarely heard from him. His tone of voice is probably the only thing keeping Loki from hissing in defense of Frigga, lest anyone dare to breathe a bad word about her.

“Yes,” he says instead. Thor nods. “Once she told me the Bifrost was restored, I had been planning to bring her here. So her and Loki could see each other again,” he explains. “Forgive me for not telling you ahead of time. I wanted it to be a surprise for him.”

Loki scoffs.

“I never thought the day would come that you’d surprise me in a good way, Thor.”

Thor laughs and throws his arm around Loki. “I’m glad you’re happy, brother!”

Loki’s expression suddenly turns thoughtful. Happy… he was  _ happy _ . And somehow… even though mother has left again, he is still… happy, somewhere deep within his heart.

He turns to look at Thor. “Thank you.”

He says it with so much heart, it seems to catch even him off guard.

A moment passes in silence, as though Loki’s utterance had cast a spell on them all. A spell of disbelief.

At last Steve nods slowly and approaches the two brothers.

“I realize… that I owe you an apology,” he says to Loki, offering his hand. Loki blinks. “No you don’t,” he argues, but Steve grabs his hand and squeezes it lightly.

“No, I do. I… refused to think of you as human. Not after what you did, what you said…” he explains and Loki averts his eyes with a huff.

“I am not human,” he points out but Steve insists, “Maybe not in your DNA, but in your heart… you are.”

Finally Loki withdraws his hand from Steve’s grasp.

“Even in my heart I am not. But I think… in  _ her _ heart… I might be.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!  
> If you did, feel free to give Kudos or a comment. ^^
> 
> Here is a bonus scene that I felt didn't quite fit in at the end, but I figured I'd share it anyways~
> 
> * * *
> 
> From that day on the Avengers began treating Loki as a person, rather than a prisoner or a threat. Of course some distrust was always there, but they seemed to understand that he didn’t act without rhyme or reason.  
> While his moods are still hard to grasp and follow at times, he is less volatile and aggressive these days.  
> He even makes up with Clint in the unlikeliest of ways. When he had possessed his mind, he had seen Clint’s family.  
> He never brought it up, because it was of no importance to his mission back then, but one day he catches Clint and Natasha talking about something.  
> “Congratulations,” Loki says softly, announcing his presence.  
> Clint turns to look at Loki, warning him wordlessly to do anything shady.  
> “I didn’t mean to listen. I was merely passing by,” he assures.  
> Clint crosses his arms, briefly glancing at Nat, who looks ready to act if she needs to. “Nobody aside from her knows. I’d like to keep it that way,” he tells Loki.  
> “I understand,” he Loki says and smiles. “May the Norns be kind to your family,” he whispers, then walks away.
> 
> In the following days Clint was extremely on edge until he seemed to realize that Loki had told the truth, that he had understood and not told anyone about his secret.  
> That is the moment when he realizes that Loki probably meant his wish too. May the Norns - his deities - be kind to your family. He had never thought the god was truly capable of empathy, but maybe he was learning after all.  
> Maybe he wished that Clint’s children had a better life than he had with his own family… maybe Clint was overthinking it, but the effect was the same.


End file.
